Don't Send 'Hey' -- Here's What to Say Instead

I need to tell you something and I'm sorry in advance.

Every "hey" you've ever sent? It died on arrival. The person read it, felt nothing, and either replied out of obligation or didn't reply at all. You already know this because you've been on the receiving end. You've opened a message from someone you were genuinely excited to hear from, seen "hey," and felt your whole energy deflate like someone let the air out of the room.

I know. Because I did it constantly. For years.

Why Does "Hey" Feel Like Nothing?

Think about the last time you got a "hey" from someone you liked. Picture it. You see the notification, you see their name, your brain does that little spike -- and then you open it. One word. Three letters. No direction, no energy, no thread to grab.

Now you have to do the work. You have to figure out the tone. You have to generate the momentum. You have to decide if this is going to be a real conversation or another "hey" / "hey" / "what's up" / "nm you?" death spiral that fizzles out by the fourth message.

That's the problem. "Hey" doesn't start a conversation. It outsources the conversation to the other person and hopes they'll carry it.

And here's the part that stings -- the person who sends "hey" usually cares the most. They're not lazy. They're nervous. They like you enough to reach out but they're so scared of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing instead. "Hey" is a safety net. A way to make contact without risking anything.

I used to think it was playing it cool. It's not. It's playing it safe. And safe reads as boring.

What Happens on the Other End?

I matched with someone on Hinge once. Great profile. We had a real back-and-forth going. Then the conversation moved to text and her first message was "heyy."

Two y's. I stared at it. I genuinely liked this person but I had nothing to work with. I typed "hey what's up" and then we were in the swamp -- that polite-but-lifeless exchange where both people are waiting for the other to bring the energy.

We stopped talking three days later. Not because of incompatibility. Because nobody lit the match.

Now flip it. A friend I hadn't talked to in maybe two years texted me out of nowhere: "Just saw a guy on the subway eating a full rotisserie chicken with his bare hands. Immediately thought of you. How have you been?"

I laughed out loud and we talked for an hour. That's the difference. One text gave me something to feel. The other gave me homework.

Does It Matter Outside Dating?

Yeah. Everywhere.

Coworker: Sending your boss "hey" in Slack and then going silent while they wait for the follow-up? That's a tiny anxiety bomb. They don't know if you're about to quit, report a bug, or ask about lunch. Just lead with the thing. "Hey, quick question about the Q2 deck -- do you want the regional breakdown or just the totals?" Done. They can answer in ten seconds instead of sitting there wondering what's coming.

Old friend: You haven't talked in two years. You send "hey." They see it and now they're the ones overthinking. Why are they texting me? Is something wrong? Do they want something? The "hey" creates a suspicion gap that your actual message would have filled. "I was just telling someone about that trip we took to Austin and I realized I miss hanging out with you" -- that's a text someone wants to reply to.

Networking contact: "Hey" to someone you met at a conference once? That's going straight to the archive. "Hey -- we met at the SaaStr panel in September, you were the one who said the thing about churn being a feature. That stuck with me." Now they remember you. Now there's a reason to respond.

The pattern is the same every time. Give them something to react to. A detail. A reference. An image. Anything that proves this isn't a mass text you sent to fifteen people.

What If I'm Not a Creative Texter?

You don't have to be. This isn't about being clever. It's about being specific.

"Hey, I was thinking about you" is vague. "That ramen place you told me about -- I finally went and you were right, the spicy miso is unreal" is specific. Same sentiment. Completely different energy.

The trick is to reference something real. The last conversation you had. Something they posted. A thing that reminded you of them. You're not performing. You're just proving that you were paying attention. And attention -- genuine attention -- is the thing most people are starving for.

If your brain goes blank when you try to come up with an opener, that's normal. That's the freeze. I built Vervo because I spent years staring at blank screens trying to manufacture the perfect first message. Sometimes you just need to see a few options to realize what you actually want to say.

But What If I Just Want to Say Hi?

Then say hi. But say it with a reason.

"Hey, I just walked past that bar where we had that terrible double date and it made me laugh."

"Hey -- random, but I heard this song that sounded exactly like something you'd put on a playlist."

"Hey, I've been meaning to text you since Thursday. That thing you said about how to ask someone out being scarier than public speaking? I've been thinking about it."

See the structure? You're still saying hi. But you're handing them a thread to pull on instead of an empty room to furnish.

The Real Reason People Send "Hey"

I said it earlier and I want to come back to it because it matters. People send "hey" because they're scared. Not because they're boring. Not because they don't care. Because they care too much and they don't trust themselves to open with something real.

I get it. I've been there -- sitting on someone's contact for days, wanting to reach out, and every draft feeling too eager or too casual or too weird. So you delete all of it and type "hey" because at least "hey" can't be wrong.

But "hey" can't be right, either. It's the texting equivalent of standing in someone's doorway without saying why you're there. It's presence without purpose. And most people will respond to it -- once. Maybe twice. But the energy drains fast because there's nothing to sustain it.

The texts that actually start something? They're not smoother or wittier. They're just braver. They say "I thought of you because of this specific thing" instead of hiding behind a word that means nothing.

So next time you catch yourself about to send "hey" -- pause. Think of one real detail. One thing that connects you to that person. Type that instead.

It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be something.